I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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