$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
