There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
