I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
