I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
