even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
