I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
