It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
