New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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