My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
