remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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