before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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