We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
