I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
