at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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