I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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