guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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