I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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