I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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