Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
