Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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