i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
