My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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