The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
