I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
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If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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