I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
