Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
