Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
