just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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