I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
