My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
where am i from again
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
