So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
