so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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