Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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