She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
