the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
