This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
