I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
