He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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