Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
