I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
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Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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