Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
