I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
