U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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