your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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