This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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