I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
