you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
