just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
