3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
