dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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