dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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