So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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