Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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