It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
