and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize