My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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