The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
