I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
